I get pleasure when I really hear a person.

K. Rogers

Recommendations to the topic.Listening is an important part of communication. This topic is of great practical importance, therefore it is very important to do the proposed exercises. After becoming familiar with the techniques of listening, consolidate the results in practice: after talking with different people (family, friends, co-workers, etc.), analyze how you listen to them. We'll also look at effective conversation skills.

The psychology of listening

We live in a world of sounds and with normal human development, their perception occurs from birth. From the first days of life, the baby's hearing aid is tuned to pick up sound vibrations. The child pays attention to the speaker, learns to distinguish the intonation of the voice, perceive the content of the conversation, etc. Listening skills are developed from early childhood. One child can listen for a long time when they are told or read fairy tales, while it is difficult for another to sit out even five minutes. Of course, this depends on the type of the child's nervous system, the degree of his activity, etc. However, it is necessary to teach a child to listen to from infancy: talking about the surrounding space, commenting on the actions performed, reading fairy tales, poems, etc.

Hearing- the process of directed perception of auditory and visual stimuli and ascribing meaning to them. Active listening involves focusing, understanding, remembering, evaluating and responding (Figure 20).

Figure 20. Active listening process

Concentrationis a perceptual process of choosing and focusing attention on specific stimuli from the whole set of reaching our senses. In other words, the selection of the "figure from the background", that is, the main thing that interests us at the moment. We can improve the effectiveness of attention: by preparing to listen; completely switching from the role of the speaker to the role of the listener; listening to the end before answering; adjusting our attention to the purposes of listening in a particular situation.

Understanding- this is an accurate decoding of the incoming information by assigning it the correct meaning, that is, understanding it in the same conceptual categories. Understanding requires empathy, recognizing or experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and attitudes of the other person. Everyone hears what he understands. For example, an adult does not always understand the child, and this is due to the fact that the child has not yet formed conceptual thinking.

Memorizationis the ability to store information and reproduce it when needed. Memorization plays an important role in preserving the content heard. It has probably happened to you more than once that you could not remember the name of the person who was introduced to you a few minutes ago. For better memorization, you can use techniques such as repetition, notes, associations, etc.

Analysisor critical hearingis the process of determining how true and reliable the information heard is. If you fail to listen critically to what is being said, you may inadvertently agree with certain ideas or plans that do not align with your values \u200b\u200band interfere with the achievement of your goals or mislead others. You listen critically when: You are wondering if an inference is supported by weighty facts. whether the connection between inference and evidence is reasonable; is there any information known to you that would reduce the consistency of inference.

Reactingpresupposes an adequate response of the listener at the verbal and non-verbal levels. Empathic response gives people information about themselves, their behavior, supports, approves, calms.

Listening is important in everyday life. It is one of the criteria for a person's sociability. In the course of special studies, it was found that, on average, a person spends 29.5% of the time listening, 21.5% speaking, and 10% writing. Scientists have also found a significant gap between the speaker (speaker, lecturer) and the audience. It has been experimentally established that when listening to speech, a person, on average, reaches only 25% efficiency level in ten minutes. Even in informal conversations, the listener assimilates on average no more than 60-70% of what the interlocutor says. What is the reason for this gap?

This is partly because most people have the following major disadvantages of traditional listening:

• thoughtless perception when speech is the background of activity;
• fragmentary perception, when only separate parts of the sounding speech are interpreted;
• inability to analyze the content of the message, to establish a connection between it and the facts of reality.

The effectiveness of the hearing process depends on the following factors.

Objective factors:

• noise and interference;
• acoustic characteristics of the room;
• indoor microclimate (temperature, humidity, etc.).

Subjective factors:

• 1) gender of the listener (men are considered to be more attentive listeners);
• 2) human temperament (emotionally stable people - sanguine people, phlegmatic people are more attentive than choleric and melancholic people);
• 3) intellectual abilities.

Effective listening requires a person to have four basic mental abilities:

• 1) hearing ability;
• 2) attentiveness;
• 3) the ability to understand;
• 4) the ability to memorize.

Therefore, the development of listening skills should be based on the development of the listed abilities.

Human hearing ability is a physiological characteristic. Younger people tend to have better hearing than older people. In general, hearing ability deteriorates with age. Deaf people often try to compensate for the lack of auditory information with the help of visual information: while listening, they tend to see the speaker in order to visually catch his articulation, facial expressions, gestures. Scientists have shown that in this case, the effectiveness of auditory perception does increase. Many people with normal hearing also prefer to sit down so that they can clearly see the speaker.

In the psychology of communication, it is important for a person to realize his own significance - when they are interested in him, listen carefully, want to understand. The interaction of people in society is based on politeness and the foundations of etiquette.

One of the new directions in communication skills is active listening technology. Its essence lies in a benevolent attitude towards the interlocutor, a desire to understand him. Being interested is the main method of active listening. Knowledge of technology will help to gain the confidence of the interlocutor, to receive detailed information from him.

Communication with children will help to better understand the fears and experiences of the child. He will learn to overcome his problems on his own. Parents and children will become more attentive, more tolerant of each other. This will create harmonious family relationships.

Listening skills

During communication, it is important not only to speak expressively, competently, but also to be able to listen to the interlocutor. For mutual understanding with your counterpart, this is of great importance. To be able to listen means to perceive the flow of information from the narrator. The level of human culture will allow you to politely listen to the interlocutor, tactfully refrain from harsh statements, dismissive facial expressions.

Listening skills depend on personality type, intelligence, age, gender. Scientists have proven that women are emotional when listening, inattentive, often interrupt the interlocutor with their own stories. Men, on the other hand, are able to listen to information to the end, mentally looking for ways to solve it.

Many professions involve listening. These are sellers, hairdressers, masseurs, psychologists, doctors, teachers, administrators, consultants. Efficiency and a culture of listening are important to this. There are special techniques that facilitate the perception of information. Reception of active listening will help support the interlocutor, show the significance of his story.

Types of hearing

Psychologists and researchers of communication distinguish 4 types of listening.

Empathic listening... This is the ability to read the feelings, emotions of the speaker. Ability to imagine yourself in the interlocutor's place, to empathize with him. Empathic listening is effective if a person or their information evokes positive emotions.

Critical hearing... This is a targeted analysis of the information received. Her critical perception, understanding. Such a hearing is effective for making responsible decisions. It allows you to weigh the pros and cons, agree or disagree with the interlocutor.

Passive (non-reflective) listening... This type is used when the interlocutor needs to speak out. It implies minimal interference with the monologue of the counterpart.

Active (reflective) listening. This is the maximum establishment of feedback with the interlocutor. Active listening helps to win over the interlocutor. Allows you to influence his point of view. Reception of active listening testifies to elementary politeness, attention to the words of the interlocutor.

What is active listening?

Active listening is the semantic perception of information. This communication skill allows you to concentrate on the conversation, clarify details, and ask again. With this technology, the interlocutor feels the need for his information, the interest of others in it.

The ability to conduct a conversation, perceive and understand the words of the speaker is possible only with a benevolent mood. Active listening, technique, and the person involved contribute to the development of trusting relationships between interlocutors. This is a professional skill and a whole art, which can take years to master.

The inability to establish a dialogue, the alienation of people make the technology of active listening in demand. This process consists of several stages.

The main stages of active listening

1. Sincere interest in a person, a desire to help him.
2. Attention to the interlocutor.
3. The ability to temporarily drop critical judgment, try to stand in the speaker's place.
4. Create a favorable environment for the interlocutor, encouraging him to independently search for a solution to the situation.

Interference to active listening

During listening, a person is faced with certain difficulties that interfere with the perception of information.

Internal interference - these are your own thoughts, experiences. They interfere with perception, forcing to concentrate on one thought or a whole complex of thoughts. A dreamy or drowsy state also interferes with active listening.

External interference - irritants that make you distract from the conversation. This may be the inability of the interlocutor to convey information (incoherence and slurred speech, its pace and volume), strangers or distracting noises (telephone, repair work, sounds of transport).

Active listening. Its types and techniques

The technique of active listening is conventionally divided into 2 types: male and female.

Male view of active listening more related to business communication skills. The correct presentation of information, its understanding and analysis is important here. Therefore, in active listening to the male species, clarifying questions are most often heard: "where", "how much", "when", "why", "how."

Female active listening view focused on feelings and emotions. The accuracy of the information is not so much important here as the attitude towards it or the interlocutor. This allows you to take the place of the counterpart, to feel his mood, experiences.

During communication, you should pay attention to the words of the interlocutor, try to understand him. This will allow you to choose the right active listening techniques. encouragement, repetition, reflection, generalization... They will help you better understand the narrator, will promote sympathy between the interlocutors.

Active listening techniques

The main techniques of active listening are the desire to grasp the essence of the interlocutor's speech, if possible to help him. Mastering these methods is achieved with constant training. Active listening techniques include:

Promotion. It consists in interest, a pronounced desire to listen to the interlocutor. At this stage, goodwill, the absence of evaluative opinions is important;

Reiteration. It consists in clarifying questions, repeating the speaker's phrases. Verbal concentration on the main points of the conversation;

Reflection. It consists in understanding the emotions of the interlocutor. At this stage, you can copy the facial expressions or gestures of the interlocutor in moderate doses, thus expressing interest and complete mutual understanding;

Generalization. It consists in summing up the results of the interlocutor's speech. This is concentration on the main idea of \u200b\u200ball that has been said and the selection of a compromise.

Examples of active listening

With regular use, it is easy to learn the basic techniques of active listening. Examples for training are encouraging and clarifying questions, sympathetic nodding, and head nodding.

Encouragement the interlocutor allows you to tune in to the conversation. Non-verbal techniques (smiling, nodding, looking kindly) can be used here. In addition to them - verbal. These are the words "yeah", "please continue", "I am listening to you carefully", "how interesting."

Reiteration it is better to formulate in Then it will be easier for the interlocutor to point out the error and voice his own version of the phrase. These are questions “do I understand you correctly?”, “You wanted to say this?”, “In other words ...”.

Reflection is the ability to understand what is difficult to convey in words. The subtext can be read in facial expressions, voice modulation, increased or decreased intonation. These are the words "you are alarmed", "you feel that ...", "it seems to you that ...".

Generalization or the resolution of the problem during the conversation slips several times. An experienced interlocutor will certainly sum up, thereby making it clear that he listened carefully to the narrator and understood his main idea. These are the words "I think I understand what you wanted to say ...", "It seems that the most important thing here is ...", "if I understand correctly, you experienced ...", "in general, you decided that ...".

Questions for active listening

During the conversation, you should not be distracted, but you should try to understand the essence of the interlocutor's speech. Find out what he wants to say and why. It is necessary to ask clarifying questions in a timely manner. They will help you quickly understand the interlocutor.

Open questions require a detailed answer. The more there are, the more voluminous the information received will become. These are questions like “how”, “how”, “how much”, “why”, “why”.

Closed questions require a short, unambiguous answer "yes" or "no". They should not be overused - they create an atmosphere of interrogation. It is better to use them at the end of the conversation to find out the state of the interlocutor. Did you manage to come to an agreement with him, come to one decision.

Alternative questions consist of two parts. The first part is an open-ended question. The second part - two or more answers. The interlocutor is given the opportunity to choose the desired option.

Errors in the application of technology

Active listening techniques in psychology contribute to the full-fledged building of relationships in society. Therefore, obvious communication errors should be avoided.

• Distraction from conversation, reaction to external stimuli, own thoughts.
• Coming up with answers or arguments contributes to the loss of the essence of the conversation.
• Admonitions, criticism and moralization ("I told you ...") will only push the interlocutor to stop the conversation.
• "Parrot" phrases or copying the speaker's words create the illusion of understanding. A discerning person will guess that he is not being listened to.
• You can't interrupt, finish the phrase for the interlocutor. It is better to let him formulate the thought on his own.
• Reduce the conversation to meaningless polemics.
• Concentrate on yourself, translating all the words of the interlocutor into your own situations (“but it was like that for me ...”).

Active listening in communication with the child

As a child, it is important to know that the parents understand the child's experience. It is sometimes difficult for him to express in words all that he feels. Attentive parents should help the child to correctly explain their condition, to clearly tell about the event.

Active listening techniques for children are about helping to voice feelings and emotions. Parents should not only understand the child, but also learn to empathize with him, support him. This will bring closer and strengthen family relationships. Will teach the child not to be afraid of negative feelings, to cope with them. Will lead to mutual active listening: parents - child, child - parents.

The father and mother should learn the types of listening. Active listening techniques for children consist in their demonstration. It is necessary to show the baby that they want to listen to him and help.

1. In a conversation with a child, you should be on the same level with him, eye to eye. Postpone all business, do not talk to him from different rooms. Show the importance of dialogue with a friendly look.
2. Try to combine the meaning of the child's words with his feelings. This will help you understand the situation. Prefer an affirmative form (not a question) in describing the child's inner state. “You are upset because…”, “you are angry because…”.
3. Pause so the child can collect his thoughts and continue the dialogue.
4. Repeat the main idea of \u200b\u200bthe child in your own words. So it will become clear to him that his parents heard and understood him.
5. Do not leave the child alone with his fears, problems, experiences.

It also happens that you should get rid of the interlocutor as soon as possible. The reasons can be different: from unwillingness to communicate with a specific person to unwillingness to listen to long monologues. An alternative technology can be created based on active listening techniques. With its help, the interlocutor will feel reluctance to communicate with him. What concepts do not apply to active listening techniques?

• Silence, lack of emotional response to words, ignorance of the interlocutor.
• Constant answers with a question to a question.
• Dismissive posture, facial expressions.
• Interrupting the interlocutor, switching to your personal topics.
• During the conversation, distracted by phone calls, doing other things.
• Sharply criticize the interlocutor, immediately pointing out his mistakes and miscalculations.

This alternative technique should not be used all the time. People need communication and empathy. Only in rare exceptions should one remember which concepts do not belong to the techniques of active listening. It is best to politely explain that the other person chose the wrong time for the conversation. Try to avoid annoying interlocutors by giving preference to positive people.

The basic techniques of active listening contribute to the benevolent. With their help, the interlocutor will feel attention to his words, experiences. Knowing the techniques and the ability to use them will create a sense of self-worth in the counterpart, which will help to quickly reach a consensus.

• You should not interrupt, interrupt a person. This active listening technique will allow you to bring the main idea to the end.
• After the question, be sure to wait for the answer of the interlocutor, not to answer for him.
• Maintain eye contact, face the speaker.
• Get feedback, ask questions, nod.
• You should not immediately refute the information heard. First, grasp the essence of the conversation, understand the motives of the interlocutor.
• Don't give in to the speaker's aggression. With patience and calmness, try to level it.

Active listening is a useful skill for establishing deep contact with the interlocutor, effectively finding a joint solution to issues. This is a complex communication skill, sometimes puzzling. For many, listening is the passive perception of information from the people around them.

American satirist Mark Twain accurately described the attitude to contact with the interlocutor: "Most conversations are a monologue in the presence of witnesses." But this position becomes a trap, falling into which we misinterpret the meaning of the conversation. The dialogue ends with misunderstandings, unpleasant sensations, problems in relationships. How to avoid this?

Active listening - what is it

When talking with someone, we are often not mentally fully involved in the process. Our brain is busy with abstract processes:

• strong;
• reflections on personal problems;
• subjective assessment of the interlocutor.

These are common communication scenarios that seem normal. We listen, but we don't hear! This expresses a passive approach to contact with people, becoming the cause of many difficulties. Active listening is the exact opposite of habitual listening. This is a process of conscious interaction in which attention is focused on the feelings of the interlocutor. There are no background noises in the head, and there are no extraneous processes (for example, assessment of appearance).

We are absorbed in the moment here and now, so we direct the conversation in the necessary direction, get a lot of useful information. It will not be distorted by our subjective mental filters. In addition, having learned the technique of active listening, you can send signals of interest to the interlocutor. They will be a solid foundation for fruitful future relationships.

Active listening technique: basic principles

No matter how eloquent the speaker is, we can only get the most out of the information presented if we learn to listen correctly. This is precisely the goal of active listening. The main factors contributing to its development:

1. Accepting the interlocutor for who he is. It is a thorough and subjective assessment that can greatly interfere with understanding what you hear.
2. Eye contact at eye level. It consists in refraining from the temptation to look at foreign objects or clothes of the interlocutor. Better to look in the eyes.
3. Asking questions. It is an appropriate clarification of meanings, which serves as confirmation of a sincere interest in the subject of the conversation.

The active listening technique is used in psychology. Psychologists describe it as the perception of information "with the whole body." It is scientifically proven that active listening helps to better understand the state of people. When communicating with clients, specialists use methods of participation in a dialogue that help to more accurately determine their condition. Deep immersion, trust building, and patient analysis provide effective care. These moments explain the second name for active listening - empathic.

The book "The Miracles of Active Listening" will help you to study more deeply the technique of establishing contact between active listening and argumentation. The author is a well-known Russian scientist, popularizer of science, honored psychologist Yulia Borisovna Gippenreiter. She was the first to introduce into our culture the concept of active listening, described what it includes, how it greatly improves the quality of life.

Effective Active Listening Techniques

There are many ways to transform passive listening into active listening. In addition to the above basic factors, there are three more techniques that are also worth familiarizing with. They help you quickly understand the process.

• clarification of the true meanings of the conversation;
• the manifestation of signs confirming the value of the dialogue.

Feeling their own significance and genuine interest in the conversation, the interlocutor becomes more open. This contributes to fruitful mutually beneficial communication, the emergence of trust, strong relationships. Such results are valuable in any area of \u200b\u200blife (communication with family members and friends, collaboration with partners and colleagues).

A powerful amplifier of all active listening techniques and techniques is. People who know how to feel the state of others are able to quickly establish positive contact, use any techniques appropriately and delicately. Therefore, to improve the effectiveness of the use of the selected techniques (from the list below), it is important to work on the level.

Pause

After the opponent has finished his story, just keep quiet for a couple of minutes. Such a pause will allow you to better digest what you have heard, to separate emotions from the true subject of the conversation. Such a break will allow the speaking person to take a break, remember something important and say it. Often, using this technique helps him open up even deeper after a short break.

Please clarify

Sometimes the interlocutor misses many important and interesting details in his story. Paying attention to them is a great way to emphasize the value of the information coming from him and his sincere interest in it. Also, this technique of active listening will help to avoid omissions and strengthen trusting relationships, to form in the imagination a complete picture of the topic of the conversation.

Developing a thought

Sometimes a person deviates from the essence of the conversation or cannot find the exact words to continue the topic. In this case, an excellent assistant will be the reception of active listening to develop the main idea of \u200b\u200bthe conversation. It is necessary to return the speaker to the main thread of the dialogue and delicately develop it together with him.

Making a message

A technique used to provide delicate feedback. Depending on the situational features, it can be implemented in two versions:

1. Perception message. The listener shares his impressions of the partner or directly from the conversation that happened. This approach is especially valuable for strengthening ties between children and parents, spouses.
2. Self-perception message. In this case, the listener describes his internal state after the conversation, the changes that have occurred.

Whatever message the message has (positive or negative), it is important to express it in a calm, friendly tone. Rudeness, aggressive accusations and other negative forms of expression of feelings instantly nullify all the effectiveness of active listening.

Talking about emotions

This technique of active listening involves open communication about the inner state of the interlocutor, expressing a desire to support or help. For example, when the speaker is very upset during the conversation, this technique is implemented by the phrase "I see how hard and painful it is for you to talk about it ...". Helps to demonstrate the empathetic attitude that often forms the basis of a trusting relationship.

Making comments on the course of the conversation

Reception allows you to express the end result on the successful (or vice versa) development of the conversation. Provides a commentary on achieving a common understanding of a topic. If this has not been achieved, the comment may reflect a problem of misunderstanding. This is how the next stage of its effective resolution is formed (after the exact formulation of the subject of the dispute or lack of agreement).

Active listening techniques are different from techniques. They are based on the development of the skill to understand the meaning of a conversation deeper than words convey it. It was mentioned above that the ability to empathy plays a huge role in the successful implementation of the technique of active listening and argumentation. It is she who underlies modern methods, manifested at three basic levels:

1. Empathy. It consists in the manifestation of the same emotions that take possession of the opponent. For example, when he cries, the listener also has tears in his eyes.
2. Sympathy. It manifests itself in the form of an offer to help the interlocutor when he finds himself in a difficult situation.
3. Sympathy. Represents a persistent supportive, benevolent attitude towards the speaker.

Using methods is a way to penetrate into the inner world of another person, when the conversation is not limited to words. It becomes capacious and informative, but also requires large psycho-emotional costs. Although they fully pay off by the subsequent formation of strong, trusting relationships.

The main methods of active listening are formulated by the leader and creator of humanistic psychology - Carl Rance Rogers. They are as follows:

1. Sincere, deep participation in the inner world of the speaking person.
2. Open expression of feelings.
3. Lack of characteristic roles limited to formal actions.
4. Stable fulfillment of obligations in relation to the interlocutor.

Empathic silence plays a special role. This method involves the absence of comments to allow the other person to speak out from the heart. But silence is accompanied by non-verbal signals that give the interlocutor a sense of interest in his situation and personality in general. These include head shaking, gestures, and facial expressions that are appropriately used in communication.

Pair training is used to develop this useful skill. One of the participants plays the role of the listener, and the second one plays the role of the speaker. Then they switch places. On average, the duration of the exercise takes 30-45 minutes. During this time, the following stages are implemented:

1. During the first 5 minutes, one of the interlocutors talks about personal difficulties, indicating the likely reasons for their occurrence. The partner interacts with him using active listening techniques.
2. A couple of minutes after the first stage is allotted to the speaker's statements about what exactly in the listener's behavior helped or hindered him to open up in the conversation.
3. After that 5 minutes, the speaking person continues to share theirs. Now about what traits help him cope with the mentioned difficulties. The challenge for his partner is to continue to use active listening, taking into account the mistakes identified in the second phase.
4. For the next 5 minutes, the listener summarizes what the speaker has learned from the previous two stories. He only nods with signs signaling agreement with him or vice versa. If misinterpretations are identified, the former listener corrects them in such a way that the interlocutor agrees with him.

The end of the first circle of classes comes after the speaker from the pair can formulate exactly what exactly he was understood correctly, and where the erroneous interpretation occurred. After that, partners change roles.

Examples of the use of active listening techniques are everywhere. At work, they are reflected in the form of improvement. The family helps to overcome crisis and conflict periods. At the same time, in any interaction, active listening is manifested in two planes - non-verbal and verbal. The first involves facial expressions and gestures that make contact deeper. In the second, these are phrases correctly built in accordance with the chosen technique. For example:

1. "What exactly do you mean?"
2. "I understand you perfectly!"
3. "This is really interesting!"

It also includes the question of how what the interlocutor is talking about happened.

Conclusion

Speech is the main way of communication between people, which is often carried out with disdain. During the conversation, the listeners are distracted from the essence of the conversation, do not perceive the information presented or interpret it incorrectly. This then negatively affects the relationship. Active listening techniques help eliminate these difficulties so that interaction with people is rewarding and opens up new prospects for development.

Surely you have already heard about active listening method, but, as often happens, you have heard - but you cannot remember what the meaning is. Of course, there is nothing better than reading books on this topic, for example, K. Rogers "Counseling and psychotherapy", Yulia Borisovna Gippenreiter “Communicate with the child. How?", or T. Gordon "Training for an effective parent."But if this is not possible, you can quickly and without wasting time learn the method of active listening by reading this article.

A bit of history, or who came up with the active listening method?

The method of active listening is a technique used in the practice of socio-psychological training, psychological counseling and psychotherapy, which makes it possible to more accurately understand the psychological states, feelings, thoughts of the interlocutor with the help of special methods of participation in a conversation, implying an active expression of one's own feelings and considerations.

Where did this method come from? The author of the method of active listening - Karl Rogers - American, humanistic psychotherapist. Rogers was initially interested in the problems of child psychology, which was reflected in his book Clinical Treatment of the Problem Child (1939). But the most famous was his book "Counseling and psychotherapy",where the Principles of Roger's Therapy are stated - this is a non-judgmental acceptance of the individual and his expressions, an open response. This book is the same useful to both the account manager and the parent.

"Four basic elements create the foundation for a profitable and meaningful relationship: the constant fulfillment of obligations, the expression of feelings, the absence of specific roles, the ability to participate in the inner life of another."

The essence of the method of active listening in communication with a child

To briefly describe this method: you need to listen and hear more than you are told, directing the interlocutor in short phrases in the right direction. The child should not just speak out, you invisibly participate in his monologue, with simple phrases and repetitions of his own words, only in other words, direct his thoughts towards analyzing the situation. This affordable and simple method is often referred to as - empathic listening... The main thing is to be able to distance yourself from your own thoughts, feelings and assessments... This is very important key point - at the moment of active listening, you should not express your own thoughts, express your assessments of this or that event or deed of the child. It is from the desire to express their opinion, to impose their point of view, to express an assessment of the event - it is so difficult for most parents to refuse. But if you can restrain yourself, the result can exceed all your expectations.

“The father of a fifteen-year-old girl, returning from parenting courses, where he became acquainted with the method of active listening, found his daughter in the kitchen chatting with her classmate. The teenagers discussed school in unflattering tones. “I sat down on a chair,” my father said later, “and decided to actively listen to them, no matter what it cost me. As a result, the guys talked without closing their mouths for two and a half hours, and during this time I learned more about my daughter's life than in several previous years! " - from the book “Communicate with the child. How?".

A few simple rules for active listening

Included attention

Turn your face, look in the eyes, do not ask questions when the child is upset (there must be an affirmative form of sentences).

Retelling what you heard in your own words

Express your interest. You can repeat after the interlocutor (use other words with the same meaning), in this case, after the child, the last words, or nod and pronounce interjections, short phrases: yes, I understand, this is really so, etc.

You can retell what you heard in your own words so that the child understands that you are really listening to him and to clarify whether you heard him correctly.

Daughter: I won't wear this awful skirt

Mother: you are uncomfortable in her.

Mother's habitual reaction: stop, it suits you very much.

Affirmative phrases

These are phrases that show that you hear and understand the child.

Son: I will no longer hang out with Petya!

Parent: You are offended by him.

Habitual reaction: Fight again?

The secret is that the phrase framed as a question does not reflect sympathy.

Often the question: "What happened?" the upset child replies: "Nothing!", and if you say: "Something happened ...", then it is easier for the child to start talking about what happened.

Pause

Very important in conversation "Keep pause".A pause gives the child an opportunity to think, and the parent - to distance himself from his thoughts, feelings, assessments and problems.

Indicate a feeling

In order for the child to be able to realize his feelings, he needs help.

Daughter (with a gloomy look): I'm no longer friends with Masha!

Mother: You don't want to play with her anymore. (Repetition of what was heard). (habitual reaction: Why?)

Daughter: Yes, I don't want to ...

Mother (after a pause): You are offended by her ... (Designation of feelings).

After everything you have heard, it is permissible to express your feelings in relation to the subject of the conversation (it was unpleasant for you - it hurts me very much to hear it, etc.)

At the end of the conversation, you can summarize by asking questions: Did I understand correctly that ...? In the end, we can say that ... As far as I understood this ..., it was about ..., As a result ...

Example of an Active Listening Conversation

“... Mom puts four-year-old Masha to bed, and the girl asks to sit with her.

DAUGHTER: Mom, well, just a little more, well, a little bit!

MOM: Masha, it's late, all the guys are sleeping.

Daughter: All day alone and alone, I don't want more!

MOM: You play all day with the guys in the garden ... (Remembers active listening.) You feel lonely ...

DAUGHTER: Yes, there are a lot of children, but mom is not allowed into the garden.

MOM: You miss me.

DAUGHTER: I miss you, but Sasha Petrov is fighting.

MOM: You're angry with him.

Daughter: He broke my game!

MOM: And you're upset ...

DAUGHTER: No, I pushed him so as not to break, and he cube me on the back.

MOM: It hurt ... (Pause.)

Daughter: It hurts, but you are not!

MOM: You wanted mom to feel sorry for you.

Daughter: I wanted to go with you ...

MOM: Go ... (Pause.) Daughter: You promised to take Igor and me to the zoo, I’m waiting for everything, but you don’t! ”

What interferes with active listening and what should be avoided when talking with a child

• Orders, commands;
• warnings, warnings, threats;
• moralization, teaching, preaching;
• ready-made tips and solutions;
• proof, logical reasoning, notation, "lectures";
• criticism, reprimands, accusations;
• name-calling, insult, ridicule;
• use of guesswork, interpretation;
• interrogation, investigation;
• sympathy in words, persuasion, exhortation,
• joking, avoiding the conversation.

As a result, analyzing the method, we get a simple scheme for communication:

Attention expressed in posture - repetition of phrases - affirmative phrase - pause - designation of feelings - expression of one's perception - results.

Conversation on active listening method very unusual for our culture, and it is not easy to master it.

“How often do we leave children alone with a load of different experiences with our resolute“ Late! ”, "It's time to sleep", while a few minutes of listening could really calm the child down before going to bed. ", - says in his book Julia Gippenreiter.

It is important to remember one simple rule - any method, book read, theory, technique - will come to life only when you apply it every day. First, you will have to pull yourself up, correct yourself, so as not to return to the old, habitual reactions ("what a horror! You broke a vase, and even hurt yourself!", Etc.) demeanor. It is then that the most real wonderful transformations will begin: relations with children will move to a new qualitative level: understanding each other.

The concept of listening in communication

For successful interaction, you need not only to master speech activity, but also to be able to listen.

Listening and speaking are two significant skills of verbal communication competence.

Definition 1

Hearing is a process of concentrated perception of visual and auditory stimuli, ascribing meaning to them. Active listening involves focusing, understanding, remembering, evaluating and responding.

Concentration Is the process of perceiving a choice and focusing attention on certain stimuli from the entire huge number of reaching our senses.

Understanding - this is a clear decoding of information that comes from the outside, by assigning the correct meaning to it, that is, understanding it in some conceptual categories.

Analysis or critical listening Is the process of establishing how true and truthful the information that has been heard is considered.

Responsiveness implies a corresponding response of the listener on the non-verbal and verbal levels of communication.

Reacting on an empathic level gives people information about themselves, their behavior, approves, supports, calms.

If hearing is a physical process, which is determined by the action of sound waves on the eardrum, and takes place without much mental effort, then listening (effective listening) is a difficult process of perceiving, comprehending, understanding, structuring and memorizing incoming information, in which the whole personality takes part human.

Remark 1

Listening is considered a fundamental skill that affects the quality of relationships in daily communication, effective mutual understanding and interaction. At the same time, many people actually do not know how to listen.

The ability to listen in people is formed differently. Studies in this area show that on average the time of our communication with others is distributed as follows: about 42-53% of the time we listen to other people, 16-32% - we speak ourselves, 15-17% - we get information by reading, 9-14% - we write. As you can see from the above figures, the ability to listen to how the method of perceiving information is used in communication much more often than the ability to write and read combined, which means that mastering such a skill is necessary for every person.

Remark 2

Most people rate their listening skills at 70-80%. Yet research shows that in fact, many people experience only 25% of the listening success rate, meaning that three quarters of the messages that have been heard are lost.

The following types of listening can be distinguished: passive listening, active listening, empathic listening, critical listening.

Active listening

Definition 2

Active listening is a process during which the listener not only receives information from the interlocutor, but also actively presents an understanding of this information.

Active listening can help:

• direct the conversation in the necessary direction;
• pick up questions that will make it possible to get the necessary answers;
• unmistakably and correctly understand the interlocutor.

Since the tools and elements of active listening contain different methods and principles, special effectiveness can be achieved by applying both the methods and principles of active listening at once.

The main techniques of active listening are combined to the following points:

• clarification;
• retelling (paraphrase);
• repetition (echo);
• pause.

Clarification translates to the fact that you ask a person a question in the event that you do not understand something. In another way, this can also be called clarification.

Retelling makes it possible for the narrator to hear his own speech from the outside through the mouth of another person.

Repetition of the other person's phrases also makes it possible to build a good conversation. In this case, the listener, like an echo, repeats the end of the narrator's sentences with the intonation of the question. This has a refinement-like effect.

Pauses are also considered to be tools that can positively influence the conversation.

In a general sense, active listening makes it possible to establish contact with the interlocutor and get the necessary information from him.

Passive listening

Passive listening is considered more global and differs on other grounds. The presented type of listening is also called otherwise - non-reflective listening.

The method of empathic listening allows a person to naturally express emotions, open up to a psychologist or an ordinary interlocutor. As a rule, there are three stages in empathic listening:

• support - an opportunity is given to speak out, show your own reaction;
• clarification - It is very important to make sure that you correctly understand the words and emotions of the interlocutor;